Public Bathroom Chronicles

It never fails.  Whenever I attend a meeting with the porcelain throne in a public restroom someone always walks in the moment I sit down to pull the lever on the human garbage chute.  I walk into the stall, prep the seat for a smooth butt cheek landing, get comfortable, give a good enough squeeze to get the mud flowing and right before I’m ready to release the hatch another patron walks in.

It wouldn’t be so bad though if the bathrooms weren’t so quiet.  It just makes it more awkward and noticeable when you can hear a pin drop.  And the bathrooms echo too so when an anal explosion happens it’s magnified tenfold because of it.

I know it’s a natural thing and everyone does it but it will never not be awkward or uncomfortable for me to poop when there are others in close proximity.  As much as I talk about it with my uncanny bathroom humor, the act of performing the toilet ritual still makes me tighten up.

So it just sucks to have to sit there holding in yesterday’s lunch to avoid drawing any attention or potential comments from the jackleg who walked in on me dropping a deuce.

I did, however, find a trick that helps disguise the noise when needed.  When you’re ready to blow you flush the toilet.  The stream of brown lava flowing and the air biscuits letting off get masked by the flush of the water so no one can hear.

I can’t do anything about the smell though.  It is what it is.  Whoever walks in will have to grin and bear it during their appointment to the urinal.

What’s more embarrassing is when the janitor walks in to clean the restroom and you’re still in the stall.  I always feel put on the spot when they open the door and say “Anyone in here?” and I have to make some kind of response to let them know a stall is occupied.

Typically I’ll go with the loud cough as my signal.  I don’t want my voice recognized when I get up to the cash register to pay for my Strawberry Yoohoo.  I’m not trying to make eye contact with anyone when I vacate the stall either.  It’s the walk of shame to know the janitor has to go in there exposed to the venom that I just secreted into the water bowl.

Be careful out there all ye public poopers!  It’s a dirty game…

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