I Don’t Tan

Not really a big fan of people who are tan but talk about how pale they are because they haven’t sunbathed in a while.  You’re looking at me when you tell me this…so my question is, have you seen ME???

I’m as pale as snow.  In fact, I’m sickly pale.  My legs look like I’ve been kicking powder.  My legs glow.  That’s one reason I don’t take my shirt off when I go swimming (aside from me being overweight).  No one could be outside if I took my shirt off because I’d blind everyone.  My legs look like defeated light bulbs.  I’ve been the butt of pale jokes since I was in high school.  Add acne and crooked teeth to the paleness back then and imagine trying to get a date or ask a girl out.

But please…save me the agony of being slightly paler than your normal tan self.  I WISH I could tan!  I just get red and then look even worse.  There is no ‘get burned and then a tan will develop’.  Please stop trying to convince me otherwise.  It’s not going to happen.

I’ve made attempts at trying to get a tan but they were met with failure.  I went to a tanning bed a few times.  I was told to build a base tan and that I would burn before I tan.  There was something uncomfortable about getting naked and laying down on a bunch of fluorescent tubes to burn my skin brown.  So being totally naked, you’d think I would burn all over.  Nope.  My stomach got the most of it and it surprisingly got a little tan.

That was it for me.  And I’m not sure I want to risk getting skin cancer from laying down in an incubator for 20 minutes.  Makes me wonder who laid down on this thing before and if they had herpes or not. I hope they wipe down the machines afterwards.  I don’t need skin cancer AND herpes.

So I shall remain pale.  And no thanks to your suggestions on getting tan!

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