A Story About Farts

I don’t know how you can’t be fascinated with the noisy air that evacuates your rectum.  I can’t recall the first time I heard a fart bubble leave someone’s buttocks hole but I imagine it was the most important moment of my life.  It was the moment when my adolescent humor began.  Nothing gets my laughter going like a ripper right during the middle of a quiet moment.  If you can’t laugh when it happens then you have no sense of humor.

I hate when people get offended by farts.  I mean maybe farting at the dinner table while eating is a bit over the top but those prudes who get butt hurt when the pungent aroma enters the atmosphere and they get angry is just ridiculous.  Even a fart that can burn nose hairs can lead to loads of laughter.  Clearing out a room is my favorite.  It’s always a treat though to send people off on a tangent when your farts leave them in tears.

I remember blowing up my aunt’s living room the night before our flight down to Orlando to visit Disney World.  I literally made people cry real tears.  My cousin quickly vacated the area.  My uncle entered the room and immediately disappeared gasping for fresh air.  My aunt ran rampant around the rest of the house, yelling in agony, looking for some Stank-B-Gone to kill the infected area.

I suppose it was in that moment that I realized I might be a little bit lactose intolerant.  I remember gorging my face with some extra cheesy pizza that night.  I love cheese though so I’m basically saying that I enjoy farting and clearing out rooms.

Is it not funny to be watching a movie and during the silent part someone drops an air biscuit?  That’s pure comedy in its rawest form.  Even a noise that sounds like a fart is entertaining to me.  Do you ever hear a similar sound and have to pause to see if it was actually a fart or not?  How about when your chair squeaks or your shoe skids across the ground and you have to heartily explain that what was heard was NOT in fact a booty cough.

I don’t remember much about high school but one moment that sticks out in my mind is when an underclassman showed me the best way to create the realest sounding fart noise.  Coincidentally, I learned how to make fart noises in art class.  Go figure!

And since 11th grade I’ve come to master the art of the real sounding fart.  I’ve never looked back.

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